Stowaway

It was a long train ride, but we made it back to K's place just as she was leaving, so we hopped into her bag. The idiot monkey thinks we are going to Ireland, but I have bigger plans. K doesn't know we are here, but she is playing into my plan for world domination!

Muahahahahaha!


Posted from my iPhone

Free at last!

God almighty, I'm free at last! Geezus, I could kiss the ground, hug a tree, lick a three horned toad at this moment. I have never been so damn happy in my life.

We have been in prison for the last few months. A work camp of sorts. The monkey on my back thinks that he was a Quality Assurance scientist when really he was tricked into testing the products on himself! It was stuffed animal testing! Why can I find the fucking number for PETA?! Call the EPA, the Better Business Bureau, your congressman! This can't continue! Stuffed animals are animals too!

This is my story. If you steal it and make a Lifetime movie of it, I will eat your young while you watch. You can make a Lifetime movie of that!

I've been trying to kill the monkey, but I realized I would then be carrying around a dead, rotting monkey carcass. Not particularly appealing. So instead, I decided the only way to gain power and fame myself is to make the monkey look like a fucking genius. So while he was napping in the middle of the day, I would do his work.

The more I did, the more they promoted him. Riches and hot chicks were soon to be mine! But I couldn't do it with the monkey looking the way he does.

So I invented some new monkey hygiene products. And they convinced the monkey to try them before I was finished perfecting the formula. At first some of his hair started to discolor and then fall out. Then he got this hideous rash on his face from the primate shaving creme. He started looking more and more hideous. The other scientists would lock us up at night in these cages. And the monkey thought this was for his own protection!

What an idiot.

But last night I jimmied the lock while the monkey was sleeping and carried his ass to the train where he woke up today. Now the fluff-for-brains thinks he is on vacation.

He is so wrong...

Posted from my iPhone

Weight training

I've been trying to get the Fat Monkey on a diet. Ever since we got to the US, he has been packing on the pounds. First it was the chocolate covered bananas, then the banana shakes, banana bread, banana pudding, banana creme pie, and now banana splits. The monkey has gone mad for American foods.

I should probably tell Mad Scientist that Fat Monkey has been using her lab equipment to mix his shakes. But maybe it will kill him off. Then I would be free. Free! I can't even fathom what that would feel like. Peanut butter without the jelly. Ying without yang. A cat without fleas. Models without makeup. Twitter without the stalkers. Wile E. Coyote without the Road Runner. Freedom!

Sorry, I've got to run, kids! I have too many ideas running through my head now! How do I kill off the giant monkey on my back?!!

Scientist Apprentice

First, my apologies to my adoring fans for having left you craving my sarcastic wit for the last six months. I've been strapped to this damned monkey trying not to let him look incompetent, but not even my genius can temper his ignorance.

Yes, we've been answering phones and making coffee for six months. The monkey sends the calls to the wrong employees, hangs up on potential customers, and almost personally destroyed the deal between Unilever and TIGI when Bruno Mascolo called and the monkey asked how Bruno's brother Toni is doing and what he thinks of the deal.

But things are looking up. The monkey was so bad at the personal assistant job that they are now letting us apprentice with The Mad Scientist. As you can see, I mixed together the next super soap. This is top secret stuff. I put in a little dash of surprise. The monkey didn't even see me do it. You will have to buy some Dove soap and see if you can figure out my new super special ingredient. I'm hoping that the monkey will start using it and it will make him a super genius. If not that, then I just wish the monkey would bathe. It is unbearable to live next to monkey armpits like this.

And yes, as you can imagine, this photo is taken just a second before the giant monkey on my back lost his balance and sent me face first into the vat of liquid goo. I swear the dim wit was trying to kill me. The only reason he survived is because his big head was caught on the other side of the vat. It took 3 minutes before the emergency crews found us. Can you imagine the death, destruction, and mayhem that this would have caused if we weren't stuffed animals?

Work: Day 2

Today, The Mad Scientist had us making her coffee. I'm pretty sick of this personal assistant gig already. What is next, pick up her dry cleaning? Tend to her kids? Do her dishes? Seriously, I'm a personal assistant, damnit, not a maid!

Tomorrow had better be more interesting or I'm outta here.

Work: Day 1

The Mad Scientist took us to work with her today. I just need to say one thing. I AM NOT A SECRETARY. I am a personal assistant.



She had us answering phones all day. In between calls, I've been reading up about this Dove product line that she works on. I have to admit, this is some pretty cool stuff. And I love the Campaign for Real Beauty. I know the Mad Scientist had nothing to do with the ads, but where would the ads be without the products? Maybe they can use K for one of their ads. Those new photos she posted are hot!

Thompson

Okay. Portland is out. The cat just found us. I thought that this was a pet-free environment. Wow am I disappointed. Okay, fun to visit, but time to move on to a new location. Brother S and his wife, The Scientist, have agreed to take us with them. Time to see what CT is like. I hear it is lush and green this time of year.