Alone

Geezus! She left for Maine without us!!! How could she be so careless? She remembered to take the dog. Even remembered her cheap generic benedryl and her harness. She left a note for the woman feeding the cats. And she forgets us! Holy shit, I don't know what I'm going to do if I have to suffer with Monkey Boy and the cats for a week. I might actually go insane. The hell with the guy Friday trying to hit us with his driver, I might just pull my own stuffing out. I think I'm already going crazy.

Someone get me a paper bag, stat! I think I'm having a panic attack!

Driving Range

Holy shit, does K really think this is funny? This guy could clock our head off. Stuffing all over the grass. My painted smile smeared across the head of a five iron. Somebody stop this freak before he kills us!

Golfing

K took us out yesterday to meet her Golfing Buddy and play 9 holes before work. They suck. Seriously, I could have done better and I don't even have elbows. Monkey Boy is smoking something again if he thinks they are any good. Their goal is to get less than twice par. Not get near par. I don't think either of them got par on any hole. Pathetic really. Good thing no one else has to watch this suffering.

I'm lonely

Amazingly enough, Monkey Boy has it pegged for a second day in a row. I'm lonely too. Especially since he can't seem to hear me. Neither can the cats and the dog. All I have as an outlet is this blog, and you all barely ever respond. Maybe you can start emailing questions for me to answer. Just click on my profile to send me an email.

K says she is taking us somewhere soon. We just have to be patient. Until then, this is what I spend my days doing.

I'm homesick

I miss Ireland. Monkey Boy is right about that.

In case you forgot, I jumped ship on Aer Lingus flight 133 between Dublin and Shannon on Friday May 9th, 2008.

But I do miss the rolling green hills, the early morning mist, the red-headed maidens, and the pints of Guinness. K finally had some Guinness the other day—first time since getting back from Ireland. It is true that the Guinness is better in Ireland. She was highly disappointed.

I could use a pint myself right about now.

Impostor!

Monkey Boy is a moron. He really thinks this doofus holding a bowl is an impostor. He can't even spell impostor right. Pathetic really.

And Monkey Boy pretends like he has never seen a book about himself before. He knows that he is just toy; one of thousands of duplicates. He just can't handle the thought that there are more of him out there. When he starts thinking about it, he tries to convince himself that he is made of special stuffing and he was lovingly sewn together by some Goldilocks in a tower instead of being thrown together by some poor kid in a sweat shop in China.

Ignorance is bliss. I guess that is why I'm so bitter.

Bridal Shower

And for our second act: a bridal shower.

We went to Princess K's bridal shower today. Seriously, this is the best day I've ever had. You should have seen the hotties at this party. Daaaaaamn. All dressed up in their cute little party dresses. Yowza! This was definitely the place to be today. Princess K's fiancé stopped by for a few minutes to see that he found the best one in the bunch. Princess K is awesome. They are such a cute couple. Good thing he got to her first because I would have given him a run for his money.

Here we are with Princess K. Could someone please remove this dog from the photo? Ugh! I've been slimed!



Look! Princess K is holding the dog's toy below her. Now Trini is convinced that we are her new toy. Look at Trini with that smug little Chihuahua smile.

Baby Shower

K warned us that this weekend was going to be full of showers. I thought she meant rain. Guess today it is raining babies. Hot as Hades out too. Who thought reproducing and having a party about it on a hot day was a good idea?

OMG! K handed us to one of the little monsters. She is going to eat us alive. And I thought the little boy we used to belong to was bad with the drooling problem. This one can barely control her hands, let alone what might come spilling or projecting out of her mouth. Please, help us!



And what happened to me in this picture? Why am I upside down? Stupid Monkey Boy. He is so distracted from the monster that he doesn't even remember that he is carrying me around. Idiot.

Finally, we are getting away. Escape! Escape! Someone press the emergency button. I want out!



How is it that all these hot women running around here used to look like this? Thank goodness they grew out of it. This one definitely has a lot of hope considering her parents! She will be a swan later. Just have to get out of this duckling stage. Babies are icky.

Okay, Monkey Boy is right, this cake kicks ass. Four blocks spelling out the baby's name. I'm not a big fan of fondant, but it sure does make some great looking cakes!



Here is the mommy-to-be. What a hottie. Too bad she is already taken. Her shirt reads, "Touch the belly, lose a hand." Hah! Look at me reaching for it. Try to take my hand, hot mama. I dare you! Bring it!

Home sweet home

After all of last week's excitement, this week has been a bore. Stuck in the condo again. No chance of getting out. At least we are on the deck. This looks like a good place to find honey. Or a honey. You seen any around?

Golf

K and her golf buddy were supposed to pay golf today. Or so the bear thought. So we snuck into her bag figuring we'd get some putting practice. We were there all day. Nothing. She never went out. Guess it was cancelled and she forgot to tell the bear. Oops.

Wii

Monkey Boy has as much talent as a snail. And he never lets me have a turn. Just ignores my requests. Can someone please detach us? I'd kick his ass in Wii Golf any day!

Lessons

K's friend R came out to visit this weekend. We had a lot of fun. Ate at a lot of great restaurants. Went to the Burrell School to learn a few lessons. I am the teacher's pet!

R is just as suspicious of Monkey Boy as I am. She thinks I walk on water.



The wines are all named fun things like "Teacher's Pet" and "Dean's List" and "Detention." If I were a wine, I would be "Probation."



I think the roofing material for this school is the same stuff inside Monkey Boy's head.

A long week

Awwww, Monkey Boy is tired. Is it time for nap and cookies? What a frickin' wimp. Wah wah wah. Just be happy we finally are out of the condo. It is time to see the world! Experience life! Be part of history!

But what is up with this guy's t-shirt? I mean seriously? Who thought these were good ideas. Sure, they are kind of funny, but get a grip people. Why do you have to dress your engineers like this? The other kids in school are probably telling him that his boss dresses him funny. Poor guy.

Barenaked Ladies

K found out that the Barenaked Ladies, who played a kick-ass concert tonight, have made a kids music CD called Snacktime. She also learned that They Might be Giants have a weekly kids video podcast. What is this world coming to? What happened to that great music I used to listen to in my youth? They all grow up, reproduce and then regress to writing kids stuff? Where is my sex, drugs and rock and roll!?!

Anyways, K introduced us to some more friends. This one had a really big camera.



Geezus, what are these guys doing. Is he trying to lick that other guy's nipple? Or is he coming after me. Get a hold of yourself man and keep your tongue to yourself!

Happy Birthday!

Finally! A decent night out! We started with happy hour at the W. Ran into this guy. Another one of K's foreign friends. At least he has good taste in drinks. Fabulous organic martini. He and I will definitely have to hang out again.



Then we moved on to Yoshi's in SF with this bunch of trouble makers. Look at them, thinking they are cool getting Monkey Boy drunk. They told him it was just sugar water. Yeah, right. Koolaid alright. Their own brand of overpriced, trendy, airline-grade aluminum koolaid. I'd love every sip of it if they'd just give some to me. But no! They get Monkey Boy tipsy, then he swings around bumping me into all kids of things. Not exactly the evening I had in mind.

Crème brûlée

That stupid monkey loves crème brûlée. Who ever decided it was a good idea to burn their dessert?

We went out with these two foreign guys. One British, one Swedish. I'm beginning to wonder if K has any friends from the states.

And her talk? Monkey Boy thinks it is the best talk she has ever given. Personally, I think she still could have done better. Where were the jokes? Where were the funny slides? And what was up with the bullet points? There were still a couple slides with them in it. She could have done better. Always could do better.

Out and about

K took us out today. What a sausagefest! And who are all these geeks anyways? Where are the women? Bring on the dancing bears!

K went to a presentation the other day and didn't bring us. She is really starting to piss me off. She does all this fun stuff and then leaves us home. I didn't travel all the way to California to spend my days being slobbered on by a cat. But I digress.

I've been trying to read this book. It looks pretty cool, but the damned monkey on my back is only looking at the pictures. He did the same thing when he was reading the German book.

Of course, reading this book is a little too late for K. Her slides have already been fondled by the Slide Master. I wish she had shown them to me first so that I could have critiqued them. She's a nice kid, and has good intentions, but her follow through sucks. I've been listening to her practice and she has a lot of work to do between now and Tuesday evening.



Can someone please get this permagrin off my face? I look like an idiot.

Cat Nap

Here we are. Monkey Boy is trying to take a nap. I thought I'd take the opportunity to suck up to the cat. I need some friends around here, and she already seems to like me more than I care to think about.

Mmmmm. Cat, you smell good. You put on some perfume today? And your fur, it is so soft. What kind of shampoo are you using? Saliva? Interesting brand name. Mind if I just lay down here next to you? Oooh. So comfortable. Just ignore the giant monkey on my back. He snores like mad. You should try being attached to him. But enough about me. How you doin'?

She didn't seem nearly as interested today. Damn these women. Hot one minute, cold the next. How are we ever supposed to figure them out?

A Bright Idea

So the duck showed up today and said he had some good LSD to share.



He most certainly did. Silly monkey still thinks those really were tattoos. You should see where that yellow bunny put her tat. Yowza!



Still not sure how the duck got the camera to see the same crazy colors in his head that we saw. That is just freaky shit man. Next thing I know, I'm going to look in the mirror and one of the bunnies won't be there and we will have to tell him he is a vampire or something. Like this one



Although that might be a cat. Hrm. Looks a lot like the white one around here. Not good.

Chinese Food

After the movie, we met up with more of K's friends and I was finally given a decent introduction.

If you look closely, you can see us teetering dangerously over the hot pot. I was kind of freaked out by all the crazy seafood and meat dishes. I was hoping they were going to serve us monkey brains. I know a monkey they can have.

Sex and the City

Finally! K took us out on the town. The photos aren't very good, but you can see that we had prime seats for watching Sex and the City. Went with two hottie friends of hers. Girls afternoon out.



Things are starting to look up.